Well I did it and put it out there!

Today I decided to share my blog with Facebook and Instagram, which was a big step for me as I didn’t know if I wanted people I know reading my blog, as it’s already public anyway I took the plunge and just did it. I am new to this and it may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s my life and what I am going through, read it don’t read it but please be gentle with me, some pointers would be gratefully received.

This title reminds me of the last time “I put it out there”which is how I met my second husband John so hopefully I will have the same good experience(not that I want a new hubby I am happy with the one I have). So it’s 2005 and Gary and I have separated, he’s moved on already and living around the corner with “my best friend”(yes another blog idea) and I am at home with my two daughters thinking that nobody would want a big bird like me! But one day my oldest daughter Louise comes home from her boyfriends with the lonely hearts Column of the local newspaper, and puts it under my nose and points to an advert which a man has put stating that he was looking for a chubby/cuddly woman, “see Mum there is men out there that like big women” well I didn’t answer the advert but it did get me thinking. So I decided that I would place an advert, but I wasn’t going to reply to any adverts, a way of protecting myself from getting hurt, laughed at and let down. But if they replied to my advert, and heard my voicemail explaining about me then I would “put myself out there”.

So after lots of drafts I finally put an advert in the lonely hearts column, and waited to see if I got any replies, and I was quite shocked as I had a few. The way it worked is they put a typed advert in the column and attach a phone number to the advert and you can record a voicemail that people who are interested can listen to and if they like leave a message. So after work I sat down with a glass of wine and listened to may possible matches, I had a few and then voice left a message saying his name was John, he sounded nice the message was a bit rushed though, the next message John again as he thought he had rushed the last message, the next message John again as he ran out of time last time and wanted to add some things, next message John again he had forgotten to leave his telephone, by this time I was laughing my head off listening to this man called John making a right tit of himself! But he had made me laugh which I hadn’t done in a long time, so I decided he would be the first one that I would call back.

So a top up of the wine glass and a deep breath and I call John, well we weren’t off the phone calling each other for next two weeks solid, I remember getting my mobile phone bill and it being more that my mortgage payment! Thankfully at the time I was working for Vodafone so I did get a few perks with the job. After two weeks it came to the point that should we actually meet each other, so we made a plan to meet at his local pub in the village he lived in. I was so nervous and I remember Louise helping me to get ready and I burst into tears, as even thought we had only been chatting, I feel like I am cheating on Gary, but Louise reassured me and points out the he isn’t sitting around the corner with the other woman crying that he’s hurting me! Wise word and the push I needed.

Now I don’t know if you believe in love at first sight, well I do as when I first met Gary a voice in my head told me that I would marry him one day and when I first saw John walking towards me the same voice piped up and said I would marry him one day, and on the 24th March 2007 that’s exactly what I did. Now the two years in between wasn’t easy and we had our slip ups but at the end of the day we knew were meant to be together, and when in 2009 I was told I had to give up work due to my illnesses I burst into tears in front of the doctor who said “it’s going to be ok” “no you don’t understand it’s not the illnesses it’s just that I am so grateful that I am married to John now and not Gary as I know he will take care of me” and he does, and makes me laugh everyday he’s the love of life and he’s has his moments but I wouldn’t change him for the world.


A sunny day for the 1st May

So today has been weird, I feel shattered and a pin cushion as it took four attempts and two nurses to get some blood! You see the down side of being super morbidly obese oh yes I am now super(first time I have been called super) morbidly obese which is why I am on the waiting list for Gastric Bypass surgery.

Please don’t think this is an easy option as it is truly not, it’s taken years for me to even get on the waiting list, and now my next step is that I must have blood tests and then hopefully I will get a date this year. The only problem is that my veins do not play ball when it comes to blood tests, it runs in my family on the female side, so it took two visits four attempts(this time) and two nurses, but it done so one step closer to surgery.

I have tried every diet healthy eating plan out there but nothing worked not even getting divorced! People think that it’s easy once to you have the bypass surgery but believe me I have had to comes to terms with that I will never eat a full meal again, some food will be out-of-bounds, some I won’t be able to digest, I could suffer from dumping syndrome which can make you really ill and even pass out, I could get an infection as its major surgery and not to mention the pain plus it won’t help me to lose all the weight I need to lose. My life is going to completely change but do you know I think it will be worth it just for that fact that I will get to spend quality time with my Grandsons and live longer.

I am very lucky though as, as yet I don’t have any obesity related illness, I don’t have diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol but I am being tested hence being shattered for sleep apnea so last night I was wired up with a black box on my chest, finger oxygen tracker, nasal cannula and microphone. I was shocked about the mic as the nurse said that it records everything snoring voices everything, so well I burped which I apologised for broke wind twice, apologised as the mic became disconnected, woke my hubby up looking for Jasper as I thought the machine had killed him, went to the toilet and finally asked my hubby to turn over as he was snoring, so it was an invent full night and I hope who ever listens to my recording gets a laugh.

The illnesses that I do have and live with everyday and why I had to give up work in 2009 are the following (sorry it’s not self pity but my life). I have depression unfortunately like I have touched on in my other blogs mental illness is in our family but mine is controlled by antidepressants and I usually know when I need them upped. Fibromyalgia which is a chronic pain syndrome which affects me in different ways from muscle spasms, fibro brain fog, fatigue, insomnia and pain that painkillers don’t touch, some days it’s hard to just get out bed. MS newly diagnosed they think fibromyalgia was masking it somehow so getting used to seeing the difference. RLS which is restless leg syndrome, jump and twitchy legs. And then osteoarthritis in both knees that need replacing but because of my weight I can’t have done, and because of the arthritis my mobility is poor so I am in a catch 22 really.

So please feel free to ask questions and if you want to know more let me know, will blog again soon xx

A rainy day in April

It’s a rainy day on Bottesford today, I forgot to bring my washing in from last night so it got wet and ended up in the tumble dryer anyway, I don’t know I try to save money but it always comes back to bite me in the butt and cost me more money!

Grandmother duties today Oliver (2 yrs) off to pre school and Baby Richard(8 mths),Mummy and Granny off to Asda for a click and collect order, now this is great if you want to save money as you only buy what you need and are not tempted to add things to your trolley that you don’t really want. My daughter doesn’t drive so I am mum taxi especially for the school runs even though she has said that she will walk when the weather improves yeah right!

As I write this I am joined by my fur babies, yes I have fur babies, John and I (John is my second husband must blog about it soon)don’t have any children together, he has two children from his first marriage and I have two from mine, so we have fur babies. We have poppy popcorn who is 5 yrs old and is a Pomchi (Pomeranian x Chihuahua) and Jasper who is 7 months old and is a full Chihuahua, plus a ginger tom cat called max who has thumbs yes you read right thumbs, he has extra claws which push out his first claw to look like a thumb, so walks like a gorilla and finally Jet a black cat who doesn’t like fussing. Poppy and Jasper sleep with us, poppy loves to sleep above Johns head on his pillow and Jasper snuggled up against me, I know not a lot people will like this but we do and love it, but not when Jasper was toilet training and wet the bed!

Today has been a funny day really John isn’t well and I think he is getting a head cold bless him and he’s on nights at the moment as well. The weather has been gloomy and we have had to put our heating on again for a bit, poppy and Jasper have been moving around as it’s too wet for a walk and the cats are a sleep on the landing. This blog seems a bit gibberish but I am new to this so hopefully I will get better.

My Birth Story

Well I have been in hospital now for five weeks, so boring and because of my weight all the midwives want me to do is a diabetes test, thankfully my consultant has said that just because of my weight it doesn’t mean I will be diabetic but just fat! My consultant Mr Stewart has a way with words at one stage they thought I would have a big baby so to try and reassure me he used this analogy, “if a shire horse and and Shetland pony were to mate it wouldn’t mean that the Shetland pony would have a shire horse” how that was meant to make me feel better I will never know.

It’s Monday 16th May and the hospital has allowed me to have the day out with Gary as I have been cooped up in bed for weeks. We have a drive around and then went back to his mums and had a bit of “nooky” then I have been craving a Wimpy for ages so decide to get one on the way back to the hospital and eat it in the car park I have to be back by 6pm for my evening monitoring. We arrive back on the ward with plenty of time and I get strapped up for my monitoring, they check to see if the baby is moving around ok and the heart beat. Gary stays with me as visiting time isn’t over until 8pm, well I have been hooked up now for about half an hour and the midwife comes to check the readings and asks if I am feeling ok as the readings are showing that I am having contractions. This isn’t meant to be happening yet I still have three weeks until my due date of the 7th June, what’s going on!

The midwife decides to do a internal exam and finds that I am two cm’s dilated already, shock horror and a horrible scared feeling comes over me and I look at Gary and he has the same expression, then we hear the midwife announce that Gary will not be going home tonight as our baby was on he way. They send us over to the labour ward as I am a high risk with being early, my contractions don’t progress so they decide to put me on a drip to help them along abit,and didn’t I know it. By midnight I am not coping too well so Gary leaves to get his mum as I want her with me, when they return Gloria looks worse than I do and she tells me that Gary had been speeding through the town to get back to me and frightened the life out her.

I labour through the night and they break my waters but I am still not progressing, so they decide that they will call the consultant to find out what to do next and whilst they do that they stop the drip just to see if I am contracting on my own, but I am not but I do manage a bit of sleep. The midwife with me says that I will probably be having a c section, no no the consultant has decided that as I am fit and young(18 years old) that they should start the drip again and give me another go!! Omg I can’t believe what I am hearing and break down, so Gloria speaks with the medical team and thankfully they offer me a Epidural, which was the best thing ever. Unfortunately they asked Gary to leave whilst I was having the epidural put in and the poor thing was in the waiting room waiting and all he could hear was a woman screaming (not me) thinking it was me he tried to get to me and had to be held back, once he was allowed in the room he found me totally relaxed laughing with the midwife,poor sod he thought I had been tortured.

So they start the the drip again and I go through full labour once again but still no progression, consultant consulted and before I know it I am being rushed into theatre for a emergency c section, it’s so rushed that I am on the operating table and they haven’t put me out yet, you see because it’s a emergency I have to have a general anaesthetic, the medical staff are all around me and then the surgeon arrives and lifts me nightie up to look at my tummy and I am screaming I am not out yet! Thankfully I was then put under, and what felt like a blink of an eye(well to me anyway) I was in the recovery room. I remember the nurse calling my name telling me it was all over and I kept saying “are you sure” then I ask what I had(as even though I have referenced a girl in my blog we didn’t actually know the sex of the baby) she tells me a girl and again all I can say is “are you sure”.

Back on the delivery ward and once I am settled the curtains go back Gary and Gloria wheel in, in her cot little Louise Frances weighing 6lb 11oz born on Tuesday 17th May 1988 at 3.44pm beautiful blue eyes, dark hair and perfect. She was so worth all the labour, operation and upset within the family, here was my daughter, I had fought for her and here she was. I have never once said Louise was a accident but my special surprise baby.

Carrying on my pregnancy story

So off I go with Gary to his mothers house as he was still living there at the time and thank fully she welcomes me with open arms. Gary and I have a good chat about what we are going to do, I know a termination is out of the question and as soon as I tell Gary the size the baby is now he just looks at me and says “well let’s give it a go then” romantic eh that’s Gary!

The next day whilst my mother and step father are at work we go to their house and remove all my belongings and I leave a note stating that Gary and I are having the baby and going to make a go of things together and that my mother in law to be had kindly offered for me to move in with her and Gary. Our next stop is the furniture shop where we buy new bedroom furniture for Gary’s bedroom and a new double bed I think this is when I had the omg moment if we are really goofing to be doing this.

That evening didn’t go too well as mother decided to call the police and say that Gary was holding me against my will, thankfully the police were find with us and just checked that I was 18 and was well and happy where I was. This is just one of things I have had to endure that my mother has done, unfortunately she suffers with mental illness and recently was diagnosed as having a personality disorder(I will go into this more but when I am ready). Also my mother demanded that Gloria my mother in law to be go around to their house for a chat about what was going to happen. Gary and I weren’t invited and don’t really know what went on but Gloria arrived home in tears and Gary was livid and stated that he would never forgive my family for the way they had treated his mum, which to be honest I don’t blame him, it took many years for Gary to speak to my family but he still didn’t like them.

So I settled into being pregnant and living with my boyfriend and his mother, I didn’t have long left at work and gave up the soonest I could which was good really as I spent the five weeks before Louise arrived in hospital on bed rest! I attended ante-natal classes and practiced the exercises with Gary in our bedroom I was to find out after Louise was born that this was a source of entertainment to our opposite neighbours. A lovely lady called Debbie lived opposite and we made friends(and are still friends 30years later) and she told me one day about that Gary and I had been on the bed doing my ante-natal exercises and she had been looking out of her bedroom window and glanced over to see two bums going up and down and wondered what was going on! She was so intrigued that she called her husband up to have a look, I couldn’t look him in the eyes for years with out going red.

A bright and sunny day in April

It’s such a lovely day today the sun is shinning and the birds are tweeting and I have just returned from meeting with a friend over a coffee and a smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel which was scummy! Eventually I will be blogging every day with the things that i am up to and how things are going but at the moment I am trying to get you up to date with where I am now and my life so far.

So Louise has been born in May 1988, I am now a size 16/18 I think I wear big and baggy clothes so it’s hard to tell but I know I am at least 18 stone. So settling in as a new mum I get into bad habits with my eating which only piles the weight on even more. Now it’s hard to believe but because of these bad habits I have put my body into starvation mode (yes there is such a thing and you can be fat whilst you body is in this mode) because what I used to do is this if I didn’t eat a breakfast and usually I didn’t as I couldn’t face anything and I wasn’t hungry at lunchtime I wouldn’t eat then either,so when it came to the evening meal well I was Starving and I don’t get me wrong if I ate the right things at the evening meal I would have put the weight on.

But no I would eat takeaway kebabs being my husbands favourite at the time and it wouldn’t be a small it would be a large with chips and garlic mayo so I would over indulge in the evening. Then in the morning the cycle would start again, so my body never knew when it was getting fed so would store all the fat I consumed so it had reserves. Sounds far fetched I know even a doctor said to me once that you never saw a fat person come out of a concentration camp but to be honest the difference was the prisoners in the concentration camp were worked to death had little or no food and I wasn’t going to the gym or exercising except for,(I didn’t pass my driving test until I was 25 so used to walk everywhere with the girls in pushchairs) but the difference was I used to over indulge in the evening so my fat reserves just grew and grew.

Yesterday was another sunny day in April

I didn’t get chance to blog yesterday as I was busy being a mum and grandmother the two things that I am most proud of in my life. I try to be the best I can be at these roles I don’t always get it right but I try and strive not to be like my mother was with my sister and I. Now I don’t know if I want to blog about that chapter in my life well not yet anyway sorry but you will have to wait until I am ready to open up that much.

Being pregnant at 18 years old!

Finding out I was pregnant at 18 was a total shock especially as I had periods and had been using the pill and then an even bigger shock was that I was 5 1/2 months pregnant. So I find out in the January and then have Louise in the May three weeks early but a healthy weight which was great. At the time of finding out I had been back living at home and working for WH Smith Do it all a DIY store I don’t know if you will remember them this was back in 1988. My beloved Grandmother Norah was with me when I found out I was pregnant I was so glad she was with me and able to let my mother know as I just couldn’t and just as well I had her with me as the news didn’t go down well at all. Gary and I had been dating for about 2 years and unbeknown to my family had been talking about getting engaged, in fact Gary had given me a ring for Christmas but we decided not to wear on my left hand  just yet as he hadn’t sort permission, not that I thought he should. Marriage in my family wasn’t a good topic as my mother had made quite clear that she wouldn’t attend mine or my sisters weddings if our father was involved in any way, thankfully I had decided long ago I wanted either  my Grandfather or my wonderful God Father Peter to give me away, as it turned out I didn’t have anyone give me away as no one was invited and it was just Gary myself and two witnesses this is the only way Gary would get married but that’s another blog!

I remember waiting in the kitchen of our family home for my mother and step father to come home from work nervous not knowing how things were going to turn out and omg it was worst than I could ever imagined, my mother wanted me to have a termination, my step father called me a slut and that he knew I would let the family down, but the biggest blow was when they said it would have been easier if i had got pregnant from a one night stand than with the man I loved and been with for two years. So with that Gary was summoned, he got as far as the front door and my mother got hold of my hand placed it in Gary’s opened the front door and pushed us both out and said she is your problem now!